Lauren

You know that big guy outside of Safeway selling "Real Change" for a dollar? I'm always grateful when I happen to walk by him with my earphones. I cheat myself into thinking, "Well, it's obvious I would give him a buck or two, but right now I'm just lost and blissfully oblivious to the world. That's all."

Jesus. I had so much empathy for the homeless when I was a kid. There was this woman in a pink shirt who sat outside Safeway everyday one summer, holding a sign that read, "Single mother with three kids. Anything helps." She picked at the grass while cars rolled out of the parking lot. I remember thinking, "When I grow up and have my own car, I'm going to drive right up to that curb, stick my head out the window, and tell her to get her kids and get in. Then we'll go to Ross and buy swimsuits. Pretty ones. And then we'll all go to Wild Waves and I'll pay for everything and it'll be great. And then she can live in my big house until she gets her life together."

But I think most of us walk faster and don't make eye contact--that's pretty easy. Cold, but it gets the message across. I know a girl who always says, "No, thank you,"--which is so purposefully unaware and out of context, yet it sounds slightly polite. Some say, "No, I don't have anything," which is a bald-faced, chicken-shit lie. Of course you have something. You have at least a penny somewhere, 90% of the time. Actually, though...I was walking up the Ave with a friend once. Naturally we were accosted early on by some raggedy-looking person, and my friend gave money to the guy. A few blocks further, we came across someone else sitting on the ground, and Tomas (ah, hell, of course it was Tomas) said, "I'm sorry! I would, but I already gave it all away! I'm not kidding!" And it was true! He literally had no more fucking money to give! I laughed out of admiration!

Then I realized what a hopeless idealist I am. Soon after that, I gave five bucks to a woman on the Ave who was begging for food as if she were going to die of hunger any moment (and it certainly appeared so). She thanked me and hugged me, apologized for hugging me, and then I watched her walk into Burger Hut, which is, quite frankly, a reeking cesspool of meat contamination of all sizes and sorts and colors, and eating there may well be enough to kill anyone instantly...I patted myself on the back, anyway. But the VERY next day, the same woman begged me for money. She didn't even recognize me. I felt strangely insulted.

Sigh. I've got a nine-hour photography class in about 3 hours. Shit.

What I've been MEANING to say is, tonight the ROTC kids and I handed out about 30 sack lunches to homeless people. We walked all over Capitol Hill and Downtown in the rain and asked, "Hey, are you hungry?" People were grateful, and I told myself that I need to do this more often...but honestly, I know I won't, and I still feel like a bloody hypocrite and the antithesis of my childhood vision. I love having a plan, yes, but I wish I could be more spontaneously giving instead of saying, "Hmm, I think I'm going to be generous and volunteer next Wednesday between 6:00 and 8:00. Just to fulfill my Gratuity Quota for the year."

Sigh.

I really need to work on conclusions. but a wave of exhaustion just slapped my forehead very hard.